i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
