I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
