I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
