I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
