dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
