a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
