i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
