I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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