he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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