They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
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the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
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They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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