For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
