just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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