I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i drank out of a bidet.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
