Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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