I want you more than these girls want KFC
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
