I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
