I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
