Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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