i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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