I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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