the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
