Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
