Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
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I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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