You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
