so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
