just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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