why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
