please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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