i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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