sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My vagina is officially offended.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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