Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
