I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
