Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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