I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
