Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
