i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
