Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
