saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
