So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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