I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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