party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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