you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
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