I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
