I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
