We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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