Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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