I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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