good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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