I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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