Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
