dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
