if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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