I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize