Farmville is her only friend.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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