can u get pink eye on your cock?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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