i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
50% drunk capacity currently
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
