I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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