Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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