im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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