I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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