i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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