Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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