This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
