3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
